After I surrendered my life to Christ I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want to appear to be weak. I had been fighting for so long to prove to those around me that I was independent and that I didn’t want anything to do with God. At first becoming a Christian felt like giving up my freedom. It was difficult for me to picture myself as a Christian because I had spent so much time hating them. Since these first couple weeks were so confusing for me, I didn’t leave a whole lot of room for Jesus to change me. During the very beginning of my salvation there wasn’t really any change in me. After a little while I finally decided to tell my mom what had happened. She was thrilled that I had finally decided to give Jesus my life and we decided that I should be baptized. Right before I was supposed to get baptized, though, I began to severely doubt my salvation. I thought that since I had rejected God once, there was no way that I could ever be saved. But just like I said before, God has never let go of me and He never will. He spoke to me through my mom and my youth pastor and told me that I was His and nothing could remove me from His embrace. I became baptized and my life was drastically changed. My life wasn’t changed because I had been baptized, but because I had fully accepted Jesus as my savior and I was ready to let Him work in me. My anger almost completely disappeared, and I had joy in my life for the first time in a long while. My mom still tells me sometimes how different of a person I am.
I still continue to battle doubts in my heart and I still struggle with many things in my life. I am still a sinner and I find myself constantly slipping back into a deep depression. I do know that Christ is on my side, though, and that He will continue to work in my life. He will never be finished with me, which I think is so beautiful to think about. I will continue to share more about my story and the struggles that I have encountered along the way.
If you’ve ever met me, one of your first impressions of me would probably be that I’m simply your everyday church kid. You’d assume that I became a Christian when I was four years old, had a home life similar to that of a 50s sitcom, and went to church every Sunday. Take the time to actually ask me about my story, and you’ll come to realize that my life has been drastically different than what some may first assume it to be.
I did first say “the prayer” asking Jesus into my heart at around the age of four. It’s kind of a funny story because all I can really remember is sitting on the toilet as my mom prayed with me. I grew up in a Christian school and went to Sunday school every week. I never said a bad word or used God’s name in vein. I was the kid who grew up in a Christian home. In 5th grade I began to wonder when and why I had ever became a Christian. How was I supposed to know that God even existed, or that the Bible was true? I slowly became more and more confused. That confusion led to anger. I became angry at the Church. I became angry at Christians. I became angry at myself for ever falling for something so stupid. By the time elementary school was over I had had enough with God. I told my parents that I hated them and their stupid religion. I told my friends that I was no longer a follower of Christ. I tried to make myself happy in any way that I could but sadness slowly began creeping into my life. I became more and more angry. I became more and more depressed. I didn’t want to go to church anymore and I wanted out of my school. My parents wouldn’t let either of those things happen, and I resented them for it. I began running away, saying and doing things I shouldn’t have. Finally, in middle school I finally began to realize that the reason my life was so miserable was because I didn’t have Christ. I figured out that He had been waiting for me the whole time I was running from Him. He had chosen me and I was never going to escape His powerful embrace. I called out to Him, and of course He came to me.
I didn’t magically change into some Jesus Freak after that, it did take time. I want to share more of my story with you and I hope that you can get something out of it. In the same way that Jesus saved me, He also saved you. This story certainly isn’t over because I haven’t even finished telling you the beginning!